Disclaimer: One, I will probably perpetrate all of these faults in the future. Two, this is not about people whose families I know well. Just so ya know :)
I have this group of friends that I see on a regular basis, but don't know extremely well. They are great people, but we get together for one sole reason and our families don't really interact.
I LIKE these women!
However, almost ALL they talk about is their children--from potty training to teething to diaper duty. I am generally the only one in the group who doesn't have children yet, but every once in a while there is another girl who is in the same boat.
Would that make you feel left out? As I see it, I have several options when the conversation turns to, "How long did it take you to potty train _________?"
a) Change the subject. This doesn't work because I am outnumbered. Plus, I don't know ANYTHING else about these women except for the occasional snippet because the conversation is almost always "the babies." Plus, they brought up the subject, so obviously its what they want to talk about. Right?
b)Interject with a tidbit about "someone I know" who potty trained a child, because that's all I've got. But no one cares.
a) Say nothing. Which is awkward. Because I WANT to be part of the group and the conversation, but really, I CAN'T.
I mean, are there other options? Am I wrong with being irritated?
Does it make me feel left out? Yes.
Does anyone like that feeling? I doubt it.
Do I want to know what they like to read? Yep.
what foods they like? Yep.
what reality TV they watch? Sure
the last movie they saw? I'd like the recommendations!
who they are without the kids? Yeah.
I mean, I KNOW people who have personalities outside of their mothering responsibilities. And I am a TOTAL believer in strong mothers and mothers who take their responsibilities seriously. But can't there be a balance? Can't we be someone who has more to their lives than potty training?
Please?
P.S. A big thank you to those people who find things to talk about with me, even though I am "babyless." Thanks for letting me share/sharing with me gripes about work, recipes, great movies and TV ideas, funny stories, and crafty ideas. Thank you for showing there IS a balance to life, and that I can have it too, even WITH children!
8 comments:
Megan, you're great!! You know, I'm a mom and sometimes when I'm with a group of mom's, I feel the same way. I love my children. I'm sure you know that, but I don't like to talk about them ALL THE TIME. I want meat, not literally, but figuratively. I want to enrich my mind: what current events interest you? What do you like to read? Same as you. I have a theory about why this happens: SOMETIMES, PEOPLE DON'T FEEL LIKE WORKING SO HARD TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER, SO THEY FIND THE ONE THING THEY HAVE IN COMMON AND FOCUS ON THAT (from kids, to work, to school, etc). Also, people just forget. They forget the interesting facts outside their sphere (something I do frequently). Finally, maybe that is the most interesting thing going on in their life, it can be ALL CONSUMING. There is a balance. I'm still trying to find that happy medium, but I struggle. The preceding isn't meant as an answer. They are my thoughts.
Here's another thought: I hope test week(s) go well for you. I remember they start tomorrow. :)
megan i like you for posting this. i agree with you 100%. you are completely justified in being bothered by this - while i am sure it is not intentional and they don't realize the problem they are creating, i think more moms need to be aware of not creating this problem, one for the women they might have been friends with had they not restricted bonding opportunities to the motherhood aspect of life, and two the problem it creates for them personally as they will one day realize they have been under the illusion that they have friends and strong relationships, when they really don't. i try not to do this when i am aware that a member of the group does not have kids but like you said, acting as only one person it can be hard to steer a large conversation in a different direction unless you tend to lead conversations (i am not that conversation-leader kind of person).
being a mom, i have come to know it is true that moms LOVE to talk about their pregnancies and their babies. you never tire of it, and bc it is such a large part of your life it can be hard to stay away from as a conversation topic. and it is the easy way to connect with other women sometimes. as a mom, especially one of school-age kids, you are frequently forced to have regular interaction in what seems like friend/hang-out situations with women you wouldn't otherwise be friends with, and so you stick with the one thing you have in common which is your kids. BUT it has often bothered me that when it comes down to it, i feel like i have very few real friends here. sure there are tons of women i get together with regularly, but i don't know that much about who they are besides as mothers. this is a problem bc when i stop to think about it, i don't have anyone to call for problems in other areas of my life. i don't have a friend i can cry to if i just need to have an emotional breakdown. i wanted my blog to stay as far away from a mormon mommy blog as possible, one of the reasons being for keeping in touch with that other side of me. (not to mention all the other ways they are detrimental, sorry if i offend anyone.) why don't more women recognize this as a problem?? sometimes i feel like i am the only mom here whose entire mindset doesn't revolve around fawning over her kids right and left all day long, and like they kind of look down on me for that. and i wonder if i am at fault, but then i remember all the women who have no idea who they are once their kids leave home, and i don't want to be that.
it also bothers me when RS examples and comments and even entire lessons are so geared toward mothers that they exclude women in other situations. i think the church as a whole is getting better at this but it still happens a lot. we are working on it in our ward.
ps trevor says remind you that "you do have a child, and his name is todd. hi todd! :)"
I ned nights without my children... I like to go to movies to craft..hang out with me :) Or invite me to your group! I know how you feel but in a different type of scenerio...my old ward had a ton of med, law, and dental students. It was kinda clicky. Not on purppose but it just happened this way and I totally get how your feelings would be hurt.
I think you may have just got your point across and better luck... hugs :)
The way I see it, there's only one way to solve your problem. Move to Utah and come make crafty cards with me :) I promise to never talk about children. i *heart* you for wanting women to have an identity outside of "mom" because I think it decreases mommy burn out and makes women better mothers... for a number of different reasons. So maybe I'm a little feminist. Women should find their greatest joy in motherhood, but they should also know who they are when they step out of that roll too.
I just posted a long comment... and it disappeared :-( I'll have to write it again later. But you can call and talk to me anytime! We should do that more often :-)
Umm...I'm very guilty of this one. I'm sorry you feel this way...cause I've been there too. I agree with having an identity outside of our kids. I just saw Sach in Uta while I was out there. I'm really hoping we spent more time talking about other things other than Evelynn... :) Hang in there!
Megan-
I could really just say ditto to Kaylene's comments above. I agree with 100% of what she said. But here are my 2 cents to it. I really liked this post. For a few reasons...
1. Telling how you feel about a situation is one of the hardest things to do but if you don't, then no one will ever know how you feel about it. I knew a few people felt this way and try my hardest to not always do baby talk but a good reminder is always nice.
2. I have been the one without kids feeling like I didn't have anything to add to the conversation. It took us a long time to have Hudson, and I was constantly feeling less than part of the group because I didn't have all those stories to share. I remember sometimes thinking it was boring conversation and other times I was interested in what the moms were sharing. I guess we will all be in places in our lives where we will be the one feeling left out and the one feeling included. I liked that you have thought about ways to handle the situation. I used to do all 3 that you mentioned. And trying to change the conversation, while hard to do, is the one that helps everyone feel included. I am always up for comparing books, TV shows, and of course crafts :) I love how crafty you are...wish I had known sooner too! We could always talk about Boise too and make everyone else jealous they haven't lived there!!
3. I also think it serves as a great reminder to everyone that we do have to work to find common ground. I think it is great to be a mom but it is even better to be recognized as a person. I feel like sometimes the only thing people ever ask me about are my kids. To be honest, love em and all, but I would like to talk about other things. I wonder if people just don't know what else to ask about. I can be a quiet person if you don't know me well and sometimes I find I have a hard time just going up to someone and striking up conversation. I am thinking that others must feel this way too. Maybe that is why the potty training and birth stories get brought up just because it is one way moms try to connect to other moms and also get some advice. I guess its like talking to a "coworker," so to speak. I guess in a way I consider that my "work" and sometimes no matter what your job is, we like to gripe/talk about it.
I enjoy hearing about your job and anyone else's for that matter. It is something different from what I do day in and day out. It is interesting. Thanks for posting this and reminding everyone that no matter where we are in life, we need to work to have "REAL" relationships with those around us. I think you are awesome!
PS Sorry that was a novel and I didn't know you had a craft blog!!
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