The truth is, I still love teaching.
The truth is, I HATE all the other stuff. And it's really bringing me down. And I've said a lot of prayers for patience this year, and I'm going to need to say more.
You know, the other stuff being: meetings, paperwork for meetings, evaluations, participation in two committees, planning, re-planning, grading papers, arranging groups, rearranging groups, writing behavior plans, checking behavior plans, whatamigonnadotogetthesekidstopassthetest, analzying data, reanalyzing data, using that data to plan small groups, planning for those small groups, planning extra groups for the kids who don't get it, trying to fit in cooperative learning and PBIS, doing SIT paperwork, meeting with students 3 times a week, printing out the probes they are doing to see whether they are making adequate progress, filling out grade cards when we haven't been given any standards for the grades, dealing with that kids behavior problems AGAIN, waking up the students whose parents let them play video games all night, sending the kid who has a stomachache EVERY DAY to the nurse AGAIN, trying to get 8-9 year olds to sit still for 60 minutes with a short break in between while I run four different reading groups every day, and jamming in 120 minutes worth of math in 90 minutes and then going back and figuring out which kids got it and which kids I need to reteach, giving them oral and slate and formative and summative assessments and looking at that data again, when I barely have time to reteach because I'm also supposed to be preparing them for the test AND to learn their multiplication facts.
I can't do this. I can't do this year after year. I don't know how teachers do it for 30 years. In a world where making AYP is everything to administrators, I'm going to burn out. And other good teachers are burning out. And are going to continue to burn out. And if our parents can't do a better job of teaching their students how to behave in society, I'm going to soon spend my entire day teaching behavior, instead of content, which I'm really close to now anyway.
So I told Todd that I'm re-evaluating next year. Next year, Todd graduates and we make a new plan. It may include staying here, it may not. I'm teaching 2011-2012 in this district and re-evaluating afterwards. I love teaching, but I don't agree with the pressure we put on these young students to pass the test. Instead of having them memorize prefixes and suffixes and how to determine which retell answer is the best, I want to teach them to love different authors. I don't disagree with having them take tests, even a state standardized test, but I disagree with its high-stakes elements. One of our administrators said to us the other day that we just HAD to get our SPED kids to pass because if not all of them pass, there's no way our school will pass. Instead of celebrating progress, our higher-ups put pressure on us as teachers because they need more than money-counting skills to pass THE TEST.
How about showing improvement? What happened to that? One of my colleagues was nice enough the other day, when we were chatting about a student still struggling, to tell me that he had been reading at an early first grade level at the end of the last year, and that he had made so much improvement this year in my class. Now he's reading at an early third grade level. He's shown growth. But you know what? When people look at my NUMBERS, which is all my students are during state testing time, they see a score that just doesn't cut it. And when I post the cut scores so my students know them, I get tears because some of them understand that they "haven't made it" and it doesn't feel good.
I also can't handle all the disruptions to my room because of students that have never been taught how to properly handle themselves socially. I have no problems teaching students how to care and respect for each other, and I think to a certain extent that teachers are really important in teaching social behaviors. But I can't handle, day in and day out, the lack of concern for other kids, the bullying and fighting, the attitude and sassiness, the anger that I see from some of my students. There's just no way a behavior plan, and gentle reminders, and class lessons can fix what some students learn is appropriate behavior in the home. And for some of them, the behaviors aren't helped by single-parent households, or deaths and divorces, or by removals from their homes. I know for some of them, they really don't know any better. But without any support, I can't help them. I can't fix them. But I can't teach them either if they are so angry they can't concentrate. Or so unable to deal with their emotions that they lash out at other students in the middle of math. I've had several parents ask me at conferences how to "fix" their kid. Is it really my job now to fix kids? I sure wish I could!
Let me restate. I love teaching. But I want to TEACH. And the less I am able to TEACH, the more I consider a change in the future. I don't know what it will be, but I'm past the guilt of abandoning students who may need my influence (does that sound bad? I don't mean it to sound bad. I have so many kids I love this year. But I can't spend the time on them that I want because I have to watch the kids who can't deal with themselves like hawks). Because I can't be a good influence when the spark is dwindling. When the spark starts to die out, it's time to move on.
1 comment:
It was interesting to read this post. I remember last year feeling frustrated by "testing" as well. I was told by the principal that we don't like the phrase "teach to the test," but that that's what we have to do. I was sad about that. We spent A LOT of time working with kids to help them pass the test. Anyway, I was just going to say that I wonder if you taught in a different district if you would have a different experience. I know your kids would still need to pass the test, but you might find that more of your kids come from stronger homes? I'm sure you've thought about this, but I just wonder.
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