Infertility Update

I try to be a bit quieter about our family struggles on Facebook. It's probably not the right forum, but at the same time, because I've been willing to share a little of what our family is going through, I've had some amazing conversations about people I might not have normally had. So I'll post on my blog, and call it a happy medium.

After a failed IUI in June, I needed a break. I wanted to be off medication, and we needed to look at how much things cost us financially. As many of you are aware, insurance covers NOTHING. It cost about $4,000 for one month of Clomid, many sonograms and blood tests, one IUI, and one round of the meds for our IUI (this was spread out over 6 months, but the bulk of the cost came from the IUI we did in May).

My travels out of state would have made it too difficult to stick to an IUI schedule, and so it seemed like a natural time to take a breather. At the time, I thought I was handling the medication pretty well, but as the effects of the medicine started to wear off, I felt like a HUGE fog was lifting. I felt happier, more peaceful, less stressed, more energetic. I can empathize a little bit with those who have taken anti-depressants or ADHD meds--you did feel like a different version of yourself, a little foggy, a little unclear. It just felt SO good to be off of medication. Looking back, I now HATE that I felt that way...but it's one of the risks you take when you begin the process to battle infertility.

We decided to go back to the doctor in November, to make sure we were on the right track. I had a lot of questions about endometriosis and laproscopy, and needed to know if that was something we needed to do. Many doctors initially recommend it to diagnose infertility. Our doctor assured us that whether I had endometriosis or not, it wouldn't make any difference at this point. He told us that ultimately it was our decision, but we may find it a better use of our money to continue with IUI.

We also had a really great conversation about IVF. He told us that we didn't need to worry about IVF for now, but he explained the process, the costs, and a bit of the science behind it. It was fascinating! That was the best part (plus whenever I go to the doctor, I cry when I have to talk, so I was ready to get the doc talking at this point). Human bodies really are amazing, and the advances we've made in science have changed so many lives. Just a small thing like being able to analyze a tiny piece of genetic material can make the difference between a failed vs. a successful IVF.

Another comforting thought that came out of that appointment was the fact that there. is. no. rush.

I have struuuugled with that.

I'm getting older, I need to get on this, what if I run out of time, I need to do SOMETHING each month, etc. etc. etc.

I've struggled with feelings of guilt throughout this process, one of the reasons being that my life truly is simpler when I am not worrying about growing our family. I've had to tell myself repeatedly that does not weigh on me as a person--I can still be a good person while not wanting to move mountains just to have children. I can only do what I can do--what we, as a family, can handle--and I think Heavenly Father is okay with that. I sometimes think, "Well, someone may look at us, and think that we are not doing ENOUGH. Go into more debt, flood yourself with MEDS, sacrifice your work and your marriage..if you're not doing EVERYTHING, you're not doing enough! You can't TRULY be happy if you aren't constantly trying to have children. Or maybe you should foster or adopt, just do SOMETHING!" The thing is, the only person who has said that to me is ME. I've learned we are our own worst critics, and many of the reasons we feel guilty are created by our own thoughts!

These are all thoughts that have run through my head. Honestly, the pressure on myself makes the process so much more difficult. However, the doctor reassured me that I don't need to feel like I need to push things or take meds every month. There have been months I've been totally heartbroken because large cysts in my ovaries meant I couldn't try an IUI that month. He assured me this was normal, and that it is okay to take months off, and to breathe in between cycles. I needed to hear that, and I've resolved to not be so hard on myself each month. In fact, we will probably only attempt every other month AT THE MOST at this point. It's just too much to try any more than that.

So, with that doctor's appointment in mind, I've just been enjoying not worrying about it. It's amazing how much better I feel when I don't have to think about driving to the clinic, or ordering medicine, or using my plan time to call the doctor, or remembering to take medicine, or asking Todd to give me the injections.

What's even more amazing, is I'm starting to get to the point where I'm content. I KNOW I can be happy whether we have children or not. Obviously, I want children, but if it is Heavenly Father's will that we wait for a time here on Earth, I think I can do it. I also believe that Heavenly Father won't hold back any promised blessing, including that of children, even if it means we won't have them until the next life. That thought used to make me so bitter. Now, I can swallow it. I can now think to myself, "You are STRONG and you can DO THIS!"

We have been hugely blessed while we wait for children. Not in the monetary sense, haha, this process is expensive, but our marriage has been strengthened, my faith has grown, my trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ has grown, and I've been in a position to listen to others going through similar things. In turn, others have strengthened me and listened to me when I needed it!

I once heard a friend bear her testimony and say she was thankful for her trials. I thought, now THERE is a crazy person. I will never be grateful for this trial. But it's been a few years since she said that, and now I am starting to see.

Today in church, someone said, "If the Lord leads you to it, the Lord will lead you through it." I have faith that is what the Lord is doing with our family. There is something we are meant to learn, and we are meant to have this growing experience so we can become the people He wants us to be. I can't say I always agree with Heavenly Father's methods, and of course this refining process is difficult and sad sometimes, but I see what He is trying to do, and I'm willing to be led.

Please let me know if you ever need to talk. I'm here!